JUNK RUNTAH

Attention All Plagiarists I KNOW WHAT YOURE DOING

You know what really bugs me?

You know what really, really bugs me?

You know what makes me so freaking furiously and utterly irrationally angry that I am tempted to cast everything aside, find a lance, and ride around the countryside tilting at particularly offensive-looking windmills?

You do. Yes, you. Yes, I am talking to you, Evil Person Who Has Been Attempting to Plagiarise an Essay and Has Somehow Stumbled Across This Blog. I know exactly what youre up to, and I am not bloody amused.

I have a statcounter. It counts stats. It also tells me where all my readers are coming from, as well as--get this--listing the search terms they have used on Google to find the blog. Some of these search terms are quite enlightening. Lets take a look at them, shall we?

explain frodo and his friends relationship

Gosh. Hello, little student. You wouldnt possibly be plugging an essay topic into Google, would you? Im sure that your interest in this topic is completely innocent and that when you have glanced studiously over my blog and noted the information about friendship in The Fellowship of the Rings, you will cite me in your bibliography!

thesis statement and example in body paragraph about bilbo hobbit

Even better. You, my friend, are clearly so determined to write an exemplary essay that you are combing the Internet for documents that involve not only your topic but its very structure. You are an inspiration to us all, sir.

essay on fear

...cause Im sure youre just looking for stuff to cite.

write a three to four-page essay that explains what writing and/or reading can mean in a persons life

What an enterprising little grasshopper you are. Look at that: another entire topic inserted into Google! I am terribly, terribly sorry that I cannot provide you with the essay for which you are searching, and I do hope you eventually find something to steal. Er, cite.

essay in support of colloquialism

Dude, ur sooo awesome! I hope ur like able to like find some info to like hand in and stuff!

descriptive essay about dinner

I feel your pain. How difficult it would be to write a descriptive essay about dinner all by yourself! Who can describe dinner? Dinner is rare and mysterious and cannot, in fact, be described by a mere undergraduate or high-school student. No wonder you are looking for inspiration online.

descriptive writing ants*

Ants! Those elusive, elusive creatures! The people who expect you to describe them are cruel and unreasonable. Steal away, little student; steal away.

There have been other such entries, but alas, they have fallen off the bottom of my stats list. I do remember a lot of Lord of the Rings material and at least one query regarding Edmund Spenser, but I did not think to record any of this information for posterity. In the future, however, Im going to write all these babies down.

STOP. FREAKING. PLAGIARISING.

What the hell is wrong with you? Cant you spend an hour brainstorming instead of wasting the same time stealing from the Internet? Do you have any idea what an idiot youre being? Oh, sure, youve managed to "complete" your assignment in a fraction of the time it would have taken you otherwise. Well done. Have you learned anything? Well, youre probably pretty damned good with Google now...but have you learned anything else? You think youre pulling the wool over your markers eyes. If you get away with it,** you are...but youre also doing an excellent job of pulling the same wool over your own. Wont it be wonderful when you stroll out into the real world after cheating your way through high school and university and suddenly discover that you have no skills at all? Stop. Cheating. You arent helping yourself in any way.

Whats that? You were just borrowing ideas from a website? Web content is free to all, and you should be able to borrow as much of it as you want?

WRONG ANSWER.

If you "borrow" an idea from your best friend, you are plagiarising. Plagiarism constitutes the unacknowledged use of words or ideas that are not your own. "Common knowledge" is rarely an excuse unless youre working at a sky-is-blue kind of level. It doesnt matter where you have found "your" ideas; you always have to cite them. Your teachers are going to back me up on this one, so dont go whining about how noooobooooody eeeeveeeerrrrr toooooooolllld yooooouuuuuu. IIIIIII DOOOOOONT CAAAAAAARE.

Teachers, professors, and markers:

Certain of your students have been coming to this blog in search of information on The Lord of the Rings, The Faerie Queene, and other sundry subjects. Some of them may try for The Woman in White soon. Other of your students have been very good and have simply been searching for information on how to write essays well, but a few aspiring cheaters have made it here.

I am a terribly vindictive person whose great loathing for plagiarists is legendary amongst the undergrads of my home institution. I am thus going to blow off steam by setting a trap for the pestilential little maggots who wander the Internet, searching for material to rip off. If you are not a plagiarist, feel free to watch. If you are, be aware that the Wrath of Kem is currently heading rapidly in your direction.***

Google away, plagiarists. I hope that your searches pull up the following sentences:

In Jane Austens Pride and Prejudice, Elizabeth stands as an example of steadiness and good sense, whereas Jane is flighty and embodies both the "pride" and the "prejudice" of the title.

Hello, Demonic Plagiarising Student. Go ahead and steal this sentence. I dare you. I double-dog-dare you. No...I triple-dog-dare you. Laugh at me and base your essay on this statement.

Few know that the title character of Mary Shelleys Frankenstein is actually the protagonists dog, which accompanies the monster on his journey of self-discovery.

Hello again, you swine. Go on...take it. There it sits, inviting theft.

Statistics Canada confirms that 86% of high-income Canadians are likely to raise morbidly obese children.

Miscreant, greetings. Accept this nugget as my gift to you.

The badger typically builds nests in trees and feeds almost exclusively on fungi.

Its yours, my hideous little canker-blossom. Use it in an essay. Put it in the introduction.

Im onto you, plagiarists. Im following you with my insanely glaring electronic eyes. I do not like you, Sam-I-am. I do not like your essay scam. I do not like it here or there. It should not happen anywhere.

*You may be gathering by this point that a lot of people are writing descriptive essays right now.

**Plus if youre stupid enough to hand in an essay youve found through Google, youre probably not going to get away with it. Ill let you in on a little secret: markers know how to use Google too.

***The Wrath of Kem is a physical entity with knives for eyes and extremely large, painful Fists of Inescapable Doom.

Available link for download

Baby Youre a Rich Man The Wolf of Wall Street and Pain Gain

In the family of movies observing and exploring the American Dream and excess and money and power, you could see The Wolf of Wall Street and Pain & Gain as this: the two brothers, one wearing a suit and making lots of money (no matter how illegal that might be), the other being a little brother pumped up on steroids, jealous of his big brothers wealthy life, so goes on to find a way to make money, fast. Add to that, The Wolf of Wall Street is made by "greatest American director ever" Martin Scorsese, and Pain & Gain is made by "butt of every American director joke" Michael Bay. They seem like theyre at opposite ends of the spectrum. And while The Wolf of Wall Street is infinitely better than Pain & Gain, theres nothing that really causes me to write off Pain & Gain.

Just to preface this post: each of these films deal with the American Dream. Each of these films have been mistaken for glorifying it. Which of course, you cant ignore when big name stars like Leonardo DiCaprio and Dwayne Johnson are in these movies living the rich life. But Id be hard pressed to find another film in 2013 - save for Gravity and Captain Phillips - which left me with a sick stomach.


Both of these films exist in a world where theyre based on true stories that couldnt possibly be true. Even though Pain & Gain takes far more "artistic liberties" with its material to make it even more "Michael Bay friendly", theres actually a part when Dwayne Johnson finds himself barbecuing body parts, and then all of sudden we get a freeze frame of this ludicrous scene with a subtitle that reads, "This is still a true story". I loved that. Both Pain & Gain and The Wolf of Wall Street are incredibly self aware.


That self awareness, particularly, is what I think makes The Wolf of Wall Street fly. Jordan Belfort, I think, is a terrifying person. Lately Ive been watching a few interviews with him, and I found one that he did on a NZ morning show. He just does not stop talking. And whats hes saying isnt necessarily right, but thats no matter - he has this insane amount of courage and self-confidence, the feeling that no matter how crazy his schemes are, it is all perfectly okay. At the end of this interview, the faces of the hosts looked overwhelmed, and all they can say was "wow, Im exhausted". So, it is kind of hard to get into the head of someone so exhausting, and more importantly, see the world as he does but also be able to observe the debauchery from the outside. And this is possibly where people confused the self-awareness as "glorifying". Putting Jordan there to make the plot, to break fourth wall and directly talk to the audience, makes it seem like the film is glorifying his actions.

News flash: Jordan is the one glorifying his actions. The film is telling it how it is. If you think that it is glorifying this kind of debauchery, then you only have yourself to blame - because youre into Jordans mind a bit too deep.


In terms of presenting us with the American Dream, I definitely think out of all of the brothers and sisters of excess, The Wolf of Wall Street definitely does it best. How? The film opens with scenes out of Jordan Belforts life. Hes listing all of the things he has:

My name is Jordan Belfort. Not him. Me. Thats right. Im a former member of the middle class raised by two accountants in a tiny apartment in Bayside Queens. The year I turned 26 as the head of my own brokerage firm I made 49 million dollars, which really pissed me off because it was three shy of a million a week. No, no, no. My Ferrari was white like Don Johnsons in Miami Vice, not red.

America, and perhaps the rest of the world, lives in an age when reality TV rules. Where people can broadcast to the world all of the things they have, all of the things they appear to be. And that really struck me. The money, power and excess is something that is dreamt of, but I think that the ability to be able to share your story to the world and have celluloid edited to show your perfect vision is the new pinnacle, the real toxicity to the dream. Its why we have blogs, YouTube, hell, even Tumblrs. Technology allows us to show our perfect visions of our lives. The best thing is that we have Belfort making an advertisement for his motivational speaking program, with everything perfectly put into place - a glorified informercial featuring a soppy, scripted story from the "little people", and Belfort placing himself in front of his mansion, flash car and helicopter - until he gets arrested whilst filming this very advertisement. Its a perfect way to set up and disintegrate the "American Dream". Sure, it is only a small part of the debauchery, but it puts the seal on the cautionary tale.

If you havent seen Pain & Gain, which, judging by everyone red flagging Michael Bay, you probably havent, just check out the trailer. It tells you pretty much everything you need to know (plus, it has a Sleigh Bells song which is awesome).



Pain & Gain is kinda like that, to a lesser extent. The film doesnt do the whole fourth wall thing - because lets face it, Im pretty sure it is only acceptable when Marty does it - but it does have all of the characters giving us narrated accounts of their thoughts. Which is a bit annoying. Pain & Gain is by all accounts a darker story, as it concerns the deaths of a few people. However, it is a Michael Bay film. It would have been a very different film if someone else took it on. Perhaps it wouldnt have had as many unnecessary explosions and staged gun fights and general feelings of "hey, lets just take the piss here". Yes, it does glorify the American Dream. We have several scenes of Mark Wahlberg jumping around in glee because he has a house with a pool and great views. We have several scenes of Dwayne Johnson hugging his girlfriend played by Bar Paly (whose performance is a complete and utter parody that I cant decide whether it is good or not) in front of casinos, while she has bags and bags of designer clothing. We have several scenes of cars driving fast down the freeway. Heck, it looks like heaven.

But lets not forget that these guys kidnapped a rich guy, then attempted to murder this guy so they could have his money. And then, when one of the guys ran out of money due to spending everything he had in one pop, he considered suicide, but then decided it was okay to get him and his buddies together again to murder a couple of people. Yup.


Is Pain & Gain still a cautionary tale? Was it ever looking to be one? Who knows. But theres one line from the movie that really stuck with me:

"Ive watched a lot of movies, Paul, I know what Im doing!"

Im not about to start the argument of "violence in movies obviously influences violence in real life", because it is really the people who influence their violence. But this line also had similar vibes to what The Wolf of Wall Street was showing: that perhaps the real American Dream is people living the lives that have been projected for them. The lives of glamour and power. This may not be true to the story - which ended in murder and then two of the perpetrators were sentenced to death - but boy, did those guys love walking away from explosions and getting into gun fights. It made them look badass. Like The Bling Ring, it is all about the image. And it is only fitting that Michael Bay, maker of movies for teenage boys, was there to make a movie about men living out the things they saw as teenage boys, and getting rich in the process. With a bit more work, this could have been a grilling Hollywood satire.


Just a side note: Dwayne Johnson is pretty much a revelation in this film. Which is weird, because I cant stand the guy, but his performance in this was fantastic.

I could get into the side of these films which explores the cocaine, quaaludes, prostitutes, fast cars: the excess. But I just wanted to take a second (or a few hours, considering this post is almost as long as being able to count all the "fucks" in The Wolf of Wall Street) to acknowledge how pop culture is having a similar effect on the American Dream. Spring Breakers and The Bling Ring also do that, but I think The Wolf of Wall Street and Pain & Gain present it in a better way - a smaller, more subtle way, but something I found impossible to ignore.

Oh and hey, Leonardo DiCaprio for all the awards, guys.

Available link for download