JUNK RUNTAH

At long last!

Today is the last day of classes here at Mid-Tier-University, and I am indescribably happy! I am, in fact, probably even happier than my students, who are ecstatic about escaping the rigorous horror that they just realized was the difference between lower and upper division courses. Every time I think about not hearing "But why cant we just use numbers? theres an equation right there!" for the whole summer, I want to break into song. Better even than that, though, is the realization that, after grades are submitted, I have a summer -- an entire, complete, glorious summer -- to do research!

This has been an excruciating term, because for the first time I had students who resented having to think, to work, to meet expectations, who seemed to really believe that showing up was all it took (and who then seemed to think that it was appropriate to complain to my chair when it turned out that they were wrong). And then theres the gender thing -- "but youre supposed to be nice! and nurturing! Why cant I turn in late work? Youre mean!" -- where they express levels of entitlement that theyd never show to a male colleague.

The term has also been excruciating because, as hard as Ive tried, I havent been able to salvage any time for my own research, so I feel as though -- in addition to wasting my efforts and care and concern on students who wouldnt even grasp that I was doing them some favors (yes, Ill teach extra evening sessions to help you understand the material that was a prequisite for the course, but, um, yes, you need to do the reading) -- I made absolutely no progress toward tenure. I expect my evaluations will be bimodal (about half strong, and half awful, really), but the time I spent focusing on the course will be directly counted against progress securing additional external funding.

I dont think I have ever been more thrilled about a term ending. Usually Im pleased in a nebulous sense, because hey, a week of fluff reading and then more term! And I have all these great ideas for that term, and research too! (That last sentence isnt sarcasm -- its a pretty accurate read on how Ive felt in the past.) This term has taken too much out of me, and right now, the thought of teaching again -- ever -- makes me want to sob. So heres my secret: I dont want to go back. I never want to see these people again -- colleagues or students -- and I think I made a terrible mistake.

But the terms over. Small mercies, but mercy all the same.

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